Friday, September 29, 2006

Chainsaw, Wench, and Bark -- jcarolek

Chainsaw lesson 101

  • Judy lives in a house in the woods on a pond
  • Judy wants to see the pond from the house.
  • Judy decides to cut down some trees.
  • Judy takes the electric chain saw and starts her work

BUZZZZZ --- Down goes the first tree
BUZZZZZ --- Down goes the second tree
BUZZZZZ --- Down goes the third tree
BUZZZZZ --- Down goes the fourth tree..well, almost..

  • Tree number four gets hung up in the other trees in the woods, only falls part way
  • Judy surveys the situation
  • The tree branches in two a few feet up
  • Judy decides to cut through each branch, then the tree will fall all the way

BUZZZZZ --- down goes the first branch
BUZZZZZ --- down goes the second branch
WHACK!!! --- Up goes the bottom of the tree trunk, hits Judy SMACK in the mouth
BOOOOOM!!! --- Goes Judy, to the ground
THUMP!!! --- Goes the chainsaw to the ground

OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!! Judy comes to, on the ground
EWWWWW!!! Blood everywhere, in mouth, bad taste, BIG PAIN

Judy gets up
Judy picks up chainsaw
Judy puts chainsaw away
Judy goes into the kitchen
John looks at Judy
John says, “what did you do?”

Judy ignores John
Judy goes to bathroom
Judy examines damage
Judy has BIG hole in face
Judy has much crap in hole in face
Judy cleans out crap as much as possible

John suggests emergency room – stitches

Judy decides not enough time to deal with stitches

Judy holds paper towel with ice on hole in face.

Bleeding stops in about 3 hours
Huge, ugly black “thing” still in hole in face
On closer inspection, “thing” is hunk of bark from bad tree

One week later
Inside hole is healed
Outside hole is healed
Big Bark Bandaid left nicer scar than stitches would have

Two months later
Feeling has returned to lip
Scar is barely noticeable
Judy still cuts trees

But Judy makes sure she cut ALL THE WAY through the trunk BEFORE cutting off the upper part!

And now you know the saga of the CHAINSAW, THE WENCH and THE BARK

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